As I sat in church, listening to a young, newly-wed girl proclaiming her world views from the pulpit, I was suddenly jolted out of my post-daylight-saving’s-time-daze when she announced that Satan had been tempting her to get a job.
As a working, 30-something, professional woman actively involved in the LDS religion, this was close to blasphemy for me. But I decided to hear her out, in hopes I was mistaken by her intent.
Nope.
She went on to clarify that Satan kept at it, suggesting that if she’d just get a job, she’d have more money, more friends, and wouldn’t be so lonely stuck in the house all day. And in spite of the fact that she didn’t have children (or any on the way), she knew God wanted her to be in the home, where she belonged, so she could build zion.
Hey lady, the 1830s called! They want their weird, sexist viewpoints back!
For a moment, I expected her to whip out a bonnet and carry on about how women shouldn’t vote, leave the house, or wear shoes. And then I pictured an uprising from the women in the congregation, complete with pitchforks and torches, potentially making it the most interesting sacrament meeting in the history of the church.
But I digress. The point is, times have changed. And it’s no newsflash, but women like me are becoming more common--stuck between the ideals and life-formula of the old school Mormon/Christian/American way, where women focus their energy early on toward having a family and raising children--and the new idea that women can get married and have children later in life, have strong voices and success in the workplace (and see the world doing it), all while maintaining their religious convictions.
In reality, it’s kind of a win win. Both options work, and women have found so much satisfaction and happiness with each. There really isn’t a right or wrong way to do it. The only difference is, the time of feeling like an oddball for being over 30 with no husband or kids to show for it, is over.
I’ll be the first to admit, I would love to find a partner to go through life and build a family with. It truly is a life goal of mine. But I realized, in the last few years, it’s the one thing I can’t control in life, so why try? Sure I proactively date, but sifting through weirdos became exhausting. Have you ever been on a blind date with an FBI agent who thought his child porn cases would make for great dinner conversation? Or sat in complete silence for 2 hours because the guy never stopped talking about himself? Or had someone ask what you liked least about yourself, both physically and personality-wise? Welcome to my dating life--proof that God has a sense of humor.
I knew it was time to shift my focus, and not because I didn’t think there were any good guys left. There are plenty. But I finally decided to stop being so scared of the ‘what ifs’ and leave that portion of my life up to God.
Once I did that, I began moving full steam ahead on new paths I never thought I’d have the chance to explore. In the last year alone, I’ve been lucky enough to see five new countries (including the Congo), started taking on responsibilities with work that at one point terrified me to think of, and traveled the North American continent doing so. It was as if God said, “Finally! You get it. It’s my timing, not yours. Now go have some fun.”
So this goes out to all the single ladies, no matter your age, circumstance, or history. If you’re scared you’re too old, too set in your ways, too shy, too poor, too inexperienced, too sheltered, too much of a cat lady, too whatever--I have a simple solution for you to shift you’re thinking.
Step 1: Slap yourself across the face, because you need to be jolted back to reality.
Step 2: Recover from the shock of having just slapped yourself. Because it probably hurt a little. Sorry.
Step 3: Make a list of all the things you REALLY want to do in life. And yes, marriage/family can and should be part of that list if it’s truly one of your goals.
Step 4: Once your list is complete, separate them into two new categories of lists, titled, ‘Things I can control’ and ‘Things I can’t control’.
Step 5: Slap yourself across the face again.
Step 6: Just kidding! Don’t do that. Just checking to see if you’re still with me.
Step 7: Once you’ve got your two new lists, pick your top three from the ‘things you can control’. Make these your priorities for the next week/month/year, or however long you think you should allow yourself. When you’re well on your way with those, pick a new top 3. And so on. The list can grow and change whenever you want. There are no limits.
Surprise yourself. Set goals you’ve never set, do things you’ve never done, and start feeling fulfilled as you are, not as you believe you should be. Because not everyone fits inside the same box, thankfully. How boring would that be?
This time is yours, and yours alone. Once you have a husband and family, you’ll probably be stoked out of your mind but you won’t have this kind of freedom. So take advantage while you can!
