online dating

Operation: Online Dating Status: Fail

Being 32, Mormon and single in Utah is a predicament.

I'm happy, I have a good life, I laugh a lot, I'm independent...but in many people's minds, I'm pretty much menopausal. 

So of course, people set me up, make dating suggestions, and try their best to help me find that special someone, which I get and I actually really appreciate. I think it's sweet that people want the best for me and want to help me find a great guy.

One repeated suggestion has been online dating, which I have resisted even more than I resisted stir fry as a child. But I finally decided to give it a go. I committed to trying it for a month, just to give it a fair shot, and to see if all my preconceived notions about it were wrong.

They weren't.

I'd heard so many success stories, but apparently the universe knew I needed fodder for my blog and offered up some terrifying options . 

Two days in, I was ready to call it quits, but I'd made a commitment so I stuck with it. Luckily, this provided myriad opportunities to grab hilarious screen shots of real life emails, photos and propositions I received whilst experiencing this trendy-but-weird dating option.

Please enjoy the following scientific proof that online dating is a horrible idea 75% (but realistically, 95%) of the time.

I just threw up in my mouth again after re-reading this. First of all, interesting8012 should consider changing his screen name to something more honest--like 'scaryfootguy86' or simply, 'be_afraid'. And for men round the world taking notes, know this: don't use the word 'fetish' when you first approach a woman. Or ever. Lets just say never.

online-dating-4.png

This one is weird on so many levels it's hard to know where to start. Either this guy is on a major coke binge or a cult leader. I mean, this doesn't even make sense. Is the reason I wouldn't work because you don't ever wear shirts? I'm confused.

Here's part of his bio page.

Is 'shamanic crystal healer' code for 'meth dealer'? Why am I even asking, the answer is definitely yes. 

Moving on to art. Some people keep it simple with photos, others like to show their more creative side. Take this guy, for example. In spite of what you may think, these are not the drawings of a tween. They are indeed those of a grown ass man.

Disturbingly sad stuffed animal in corner? Check. Teenage Mutant Ninja Awesome? Check Check.

And in true hipster form, this next guy gets the award for trying WAYYYYYYYY too hard. Well done, furry hat.

Next up, women. Yep. You heard me. 

On two separate occasions, in spite of my profile proclaiming that I'm straight and into MEN, I was contacted by women. It's my first time being invited to swing. I'll be honest, it creeped me out. A lot. But apparently OK Cupid thought we were a 20% match so...maybe this matchmaking-robot knows something I don't?

And last but not least, here are some classic screen shots that don't really need an explanation, but I offered up some thoughts anyway: 

"Orange is the new white."

"Orange is the new white."

I don't know why, but I get the feeling this guy has not only a puppy, but also a chip on his shoulder.

I don't know why, but I get the feeling this guy has not only a puppy, but also a chip on his shoulder.

Looks like kitty called a personal foul on this guy. (Can't take credit for that tag line--that's the genius of kim frost coming into play, people...)

Looks like kitty called a personal foul on this guy. (Can't take credit for that tag line--that's the genius of kim frost coming into play, people...)

Why.

Why.

Clearly this guy knows what he's doing.

Clearly this guy knows what he's doing.

Nothing warms the heart like a mugshot.

Nothing warms the heart like a mugshot.

Who ya gonna call?! THIS GUY! (no? nothing?)

Who ya gonna call?! THIS GUY! (no? nothing?)

Call me crazy, but this 'children of the corn' shot has serial killer written all over it. 

Call me crazy, but this 'children of the corn' shot has serial killer written all over it.

 

All your wildest dreams are about to take flight...

All your wildest dreams are about to take flight...

This could be you!!!

This could be you!!!

All in all, I'm glad I tried it. And I love that it's worked for so many people. But for me, I think the old-fashioned, in-person route is my best bet. Unless I decide to have a Lord of the Rings movie marathon. Then I'm calling the orc.