So, here’s a mind-blowing fact for you. I heard on the radio the other day that, according to science, cuddling triggers the chemical release of oxytocin in the brain, which in turn reduces depression.
Ok, doi. Who doesn’t know that. What person isn’t happier when they’re physically wrapped up in someone else? Cold nights warm up; mornings are brighter; and sitting through a Michael Bay movie seems almost tolerable.
Naturally I started thinking about all the people in the world who perhaps, had they just been cuddled more, could have done right.
Could it be that Hitler just needed a nuzzle? Perhaps Al Capone just wanted some hair play? If Miley had just been spooned more, would she have gone off the deep end (and scarred us all in the process)? Is it possible the Jazz would stop choking in the last, vital moments of games if players exchanged back tickles instead of butt slaps before each face off?
Beats me. But here’s the thing--there’s actually a massive, cuddle-hungry subculture growing among us. In fact, there are so many people craving cuddles that professional cuddling services have popped up everywhere from Portland to London. That’s right, people who don’t have a cuddle buddy are paying for one.
Legal? Totally. And a couple of said professional cuddlers comment on the ins and outs of their newly-developed trade here in a recent Huffington Post interview.
A pro snuggler makes upwards of $80/hr.
But for those who can’t afford regular cuddle sessions with a live person, here are several disturbing alternatives. First up, The Boyfriend Pillow.
Sad, but apparently a hot item on Amazon. It even comes in a ‘roided-out version:
And don’t worry, it's available in both his and hers.
Lets take this bizarre pillow fetish to the next level, with what I like to call, ‘The Lady Lap’--emphasis on the word ‘lap’ because it’s reminiscent of a stripper, and that mini skirt is definitely screamin’ lap dance. Perfect for the creepier, older gentleman.
And then there’s this.
Thought we'd already crossed the inanimate-object-cuddling line? Think again. I call this one ‘bad dream,’ because it’s what nightmares are made of. Can you imagine waking up to this thing in the middle of the night? Also, good luck explaining it to visitors. I'm pretty sure every demographic would rate this as a 9 on the creepy scale, second only to that guy in Silence of the Lambs who wears lady skins for fun.
Thankfully, most people I know don’t have to resort to flesh-colored people pillows. And to those people I say, cuddle what you got! Take advantage of those health benefits, and bond with your person while you’re at it. It’s a win win! I bet if you committed to cuddling for a good half hour with your significant other at least 3 times a week, you’d see some great things happen. Why not give it a whirl?
For those like me who don’t have a special someone to cuddle with, I say this: Netflix is the new cuddling, guys! It relaxes, entertains, and lulls you to sleep. Problem solved!
JK people! (Sort of!) There’s no real substitute for physical touch. And in an effort to make up for putting the terrifying images of stuffed boyfriends in your head, I present to you the cutest baby-animal snuggle collage in existence.
Happy Spring Snuggling!
